Vulnerability

Need to find a place/way to articulate my thoughts so going to use this blog, even/especially without an audience.

I’ve had years of terrible issues with my back with numerous acute events leading to bed rest and rehab at various times over the years. This has been minimal over the past three or so years after I read a book that suggested my back pain was more about suppressing emotions than anything physical. I’m not a fan of feelings but since then, have tried to tune into how I feel and quite often when I’m out walking will ask myself what I’m feeling. I’d never profess to be good at tapping into my feelings but it seemed to be enough to minimise my back issues.

Now, I’m not having back issues at the moment (touch wood) but I am certainly having an overflow of emotions.

In my current “situation” I’ve had to admit a whole heap of things to myself and it scares the shit out of me.

I’ve never really allowed myself to think about having children before. When I was younger, it was just something that would happen one day. Then as I got older, I pretended I didn’t want it. A little bit older and I secretly thought “I could still do that” when I heard about people older than me that were having children. But I never articulated that or even really admitted to myself that I wanted it.

Then this happened.

And now I can’t admit to myself how much I might want this because I’m still so terrified it could be taken away from me. As each day passes, I get a tiny bit more hopeful. Then I have another scare and I become an emotional wreck as I think about what might be happening.

I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life.

I’m finally admitting my feelings and have never felt to powerless and vulnerable. I have no control over what happens, there are no absolutes and I can do very little to change things. This is from someone who has been fiercely independent for years, in control of my career, thrives on routine and has not submitted to a real relationship in years.

I’ve realised I don’t have the coping mechanisms for this kind of emotional roller coaster of vulnerability. I had another scare on Friday and it left me incapacitated – a crying wreck not sure how I would cope if this didn’t work out.

I would normally minimise any changes until all this played out but that’s not possible. We’ve made changes at work, I’m moving to a larger house, my family are all up to speed (and excited) and I’m scaling back on most other activities.

That’s it, nothing else to say. Just admitting that I’m scared. So scared. Of what could go wrong. Of how I could cope if it did. And even of how I’m going to cope if it all goes right. I’m guessing some will say “welcome to motherhood”.

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