A friend of mine that’s recently started her own life coaching business (bigbravely.com) posted a question on Facebook a while ago:

“What’s the one question about your life that still doesn’t seem to have an answer?”

I usually see these questions and read some responses and have a think but rarely actually submit an answer.  This time I did and I wrote “Why can’t I believe in me”.

And Sheri’s response, quick as a flash, was “I see a lot of contradiction in that question, knowing some of the awesome, brave things you’ve done and continue to pursue“.  Easy for her I think, she only sees what I publicly post, not privately battle with.

Then, I had some dear friends from across the ditch come visit me and I made a comment about not liking to watch movies from my teenage years as I felt life had such promise then and look at me now.  They seem genuinely confused and said they’d just been talking about me on the plane trip and how brave I was in some of my recent life choices.

Like most things, I very rarely react and just let things stew.  And stew.  And after a bit more stewing, I had an epiphany.

Ready for this?

I have always, and continue to, define myself by my weight.  Which means I’m never happy.  Everything I achieve and might feel a smidgeon of pride about always has an underlying dissatisfaction about it because I’m never happy with me.

If I were looking in from the outside, here’s what I might see:

• Courage to move to a country she had never visited and didn’t know anyone – and had made some great friends in doing so
• Took the leap from a field she had worked in for 10 years into the private sector
• Studying for her Masters in Construction Management (with a High Distinction average)
• Learning to sing in public – and finding occasions to do so

Not so bad huh?  But to me, all of that is not worthy of celebration if I am still overweight. To be honest, I’m constantly surprised that people are nice to me, want to be friends with me and interact with me professionally, because all I am is overweight.  And don’t even get me started on guys that may express an interest in wanting to be more than friends!

A couple of years ago I lost a shit ton of weight (official measurement) but didn’t see the achievement.  Now I’ve gained a lot of that back and trying to figure out what happened.  I think part of it was that I treated myself like a project.  Don’t think about anything, just follow the program and work hard (works in my professional life).  But then when the project was over, nothing had changed, I hadn’t learned anything so I went back to the old way of life.

The two key times in my life I have lost a significant amount of weight was before I travelled overseas.  So I’ve tried to use the same motivation this time.  For the last two years I’ve been thinking about my Christmas in New York City and how I wanted to be back to that weight from my USA trip in 2013.  Except it hasn’t happened.  And now I’m looking down the barrel of a trip overseas that I can’t get excited about because I don’t want to look like this.

So now is a time to actually be brave.  To own my choices that have led me to being this size, but not let it define me.  Why on earth would I waste an opportunity to have an amazing Christmas with my parents in a beautiful city on the other side of the world because I can’t get happy about me???  Just like, in every day life, why do I not cheer myself on and instead see everything as I think I am perceived?  It’s sheer madness and it has to stop.  For goodness sake, I am 40 years old and can’t find happiness because I think people are judging me like we’re still in a school yard.

I am all for accountability and responsibility (especially in my career) so now I turn it back on me.  I take responsibility for my happiness, for my achievements and for the ability to see what the goods things in my life are.  I have gratitude for so many things that I’m really just cheapening it by discounting all the good because of something that I let define me.

Time to get my Maya Angelou on: