Is that who I am?

I’ve really struggled recently with eating well, then not eating well, then hating myself, then being sad for hating myself, then trying to find new resolve to change. I’ve spent most (all) of my life hating myself and I’m really tired. I try to tell myself to be kind, forgive my mistakes and move on but that doesn’t work. I try to remember what happened and what I was thinking when I lost a heap of weight but that’s got me buggered. I’m just so tired of never being happy or satisfied and having to pretend that everything is OK. I’m tired of thinking that my weight defines me. I’m tired of never acknowledging my own accomplishments and things I may like about myself because I focus on my weight. I’m tired of thinking that at my age I’ve missed all my chances to be someone I might like. I’m tired of being ashamed of being one of those people that lost a heap of weight and couldn’t keep it off. I’m tired of setting goals then failing. I’m tired of not doing things until I “lose some weight”. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t go home to see family and friends cause I’m ashamed. I’m tired of being a constant disappointment to myself. I’m just really tired of being me.

I’ve always been broken underneath my smile
So you think that I was happy all the while
If I’m being honest I didn’t stand a chance
Is that who I am?

Staring at my saddle for way too long
If I never did nothing then nothing could go wrong
I’ve always been singing, I never had a song
Is that who I am?

*Chorus*
I see big bright lights burning in the atmosphere
Calling my name, calling my name
Sayin’ I don’t have to be the way I’ve been
And I still gotta lotta soul underneath my skin
And it’s calling my name, calling my name
Is that who I am?

Am I just the lone soul blowing in the wind?
Or a coward scared to look within?
Or do I have a brave heart with a light so dim
Is that who I am?

*Chorus*
I see big bright lights burning in the atmosphere
Calling my name, calling my name
Sayin’ I don’t have to be the way I’ve been
And I still gotta lotta soul underneath my skin
And it’s calling my name, calling my name
Is that who I am?

Sayin’ I don’t have to be the way I’ve been
And I still gotta lotta soul underneath my skin
And it’s calling my name, calling my name
Is that who I am?

(Moakler, Steven Thomas / Benward, Aaron Jeoffrey / Shankel, Shaun)

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