Yep, been absent for quite a while. Partly due to life (moving country/starting a new job) and partly due to me hiding from the truth.
I have been letting things slide ever since I came back from my USA trip last year. I put on a few kgs while I was away but then just slipped into old bad habits and found all the old routines settling back in.
Almost twelve months later I’ve put on more than 20kgs of the 56 I lost and am totally disgusted with myself.
I’ve been going to the gym regularly and running and doing PT but my diet has been appalling. Plus I’m struggling with injuries which just messes with my head.
For the past few weeks I have been waking up about 3am feeling disgusted with myself and how much I’ve been eating. 3am. Regularly. What must I do to change this???? How long can one person keep waking themselves up just by sheer hate for themselves?
On Friday night/Saturday morning, something clicked. It’s kind of like building a fire. At the moment, I have the piece of flint and I’m getting sparks. I’ve made good food choices all weekend and almost revelled in the feeling of being hungry. It’s like that hunger is making me stronger.
The fire is just a spark at the moment. But all it takes is a spark.
I look back on photos from my USA trip and realise I never actually appreciated what I had achieved. And I don’t think I know/knew how to be fit/healthy or anything other than fat. I’ve been overweight my entire life so I don’t know anything else. I don’t know how to walk into every day clothes shops. I don’t know how to receive compliments. I don’t know how to be anything other than fat.
But you know what? Just because I don’t know how to do it, doesn’t mean I should have given up on it so easily. Maybe, when I’m busy working out and eating right, I need to be working on my headspace as well. Cause there are a lot of things I don’t know but I don’t give up on them. So maybe I should stop giving up on myself.