What can I hide behind if it’s not fat?

I have mentioned before that I have been overweight my whole life.  Even as a child, regardless of the sport I played, I was overweight.  I wonder at what age I started using my weight as an excuse not to do things?

This is a thought I’ve been stewing on for a while.  Obviously I would never openly say “Sorry, I can’t because I’m too fat” but whenever I received a request I would silently calculate whether it was something I was able to do (or thought I was able to do) and if not, come up with some reason why not.  Usually that reason was just that I didn’t want to but who was I kidding?

Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to co-drive in rally cars or even just be a passenger in a stunt vehicle and each time I’ve found a reason not to.  Even just down to the point that I claimed the cars had the wrong badges (ie not Holden).  How ridiculous.  Of course I would have loved to go in any of those cars but I knew that I would have a real problem being able to fit in the seat (proper moulded rally seats) and instead of putting myself in that situation, I would put a stop to it before it even started.

Even with some things that I may have physically been able to do, I have found excuses not to do them.  Whether it was physical or psychological, I’m tired of excuses.  I want to face things head on and if I decide I don’t want to do it, it will be with a valid reason, not just from fear (of failure, of success, of embarrassment). As Susan Jeffers wrote a whole booked about, “Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway“.

Given where I am at with my weight loss, I have decided that I now need to tackle all of those things I have not done previously due to my weight or fear (I created a list that I’m ticking off).  I don’t want to hide behind anything anymore.

There are some things that genuinely don’t interest me such as skydiving, but other things like horse riding, driving a V8 Supercar, bike riding and rock climbing that I’ve always wanted to try.  Then there are the things that I used to do that I want to do again, like motorbike riding and playing tennis.

So, starting today, I remove the excuses.  There’s nothing left to hide behind.  Not fat, not fear and no more pathetic excuses. There’s nothing to say I have to like these new experiences, I just have to try them.

That said, I’m booked in to go horse riding tomorrow.  I was always scared of horses, even as a child.  I have really fond memories of my grandfather riding horses on the farm and I adored them and used to brush them but I only remember riding them once or twice.  I was just too scared of them (scared they would break more like it!).  And of course, because they could feel my fear, they would never do what I wanted.  I remember I spent hours upon hours getting one horse to go from Pa’s house to my house (about 2km through the paddocks) and I got about 500m from my house and it stopped dead and would not budge.  So then I tied it up, walked to our house, got the brush, walked back to the horse, brushed it (pretending I was such a horsey person and this was my pet), walked back to the house, dropped off the brush, walked back to the horse, got on, turned its head for home and the bloody thing just about bolted cause it knew it was going home.

Clearly, horses and I don’t mix. Tomorrow will be at a proper riding place so hopefully I get a very placid horse.  I did also check if they have a weight limit (they do but I’m OK).  And most importantly, I checked that they have a stepladder!  I think, aside from the bloody huge animal that could kick me off, that is my greatest fear: trying to get up on the bloody thing! But whatever happens, I’ll be giving it a red hot go and will report back regardless of the outcome!

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