This is a really hard post for me to write. Because I have to admit I’ve gone off track. I’ve overeaten this week, I haven’t trained much and I’m feeling like crap (both emotionally and physically).
I’m trying hard to get back on track. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on (while at the same time I’m trying NOT to think) and just JFDI. I keep thinking of everything I’ve achieved so far and willing myself to stay focussed.
But none of it’s working.
I wonder if it’s a form of self sabotage. After doing my Dexascan at Finale, I was told I only need to lose another 10kgs. Did that trigger something? Am I afraid to reach my (previously undefined) goal weight? Part of me is kicking my arse saying “you’ve spent 12 months being totally focused, only another couple of months will see you at goal weight, so why stop now?”. Another part of me says “you’ve spent 12 months being totally focussed, maybe that’s a long enough time and you can slow down now”. I’m terrified of slowing down though. I don’t know how to slow down. It’s like I’ve only got two gears: go hard or stop.
The other thing I’ve been thinking is that maybe the acknowledgement I’m receiving now is causing me to lose focus. Maybe my mind is thinking I’ve obviously achieved something so that’s it now. People are commenting on how good I’m looking, I’m lighter than I have been in probably about 25 years, I’ve had offers of publicity for what I’ve achieved and maybe that is triggering this thought process.
So what do I do? I know, I’m supposed to say, revisit my pre-season tasks, review my goals, write my meal plans, get my food under control, start working out, JFDI etc etc etc. But here I am still sitting on the couch. I don’t want excuses, I don’t want someone to tell me that I’ve gone hard for 12 months so I can have a week off and I desperately don’t want to fall back into old patterns.
So this is me reaching out. It doesn’t happen often, but I’m laying myself bare and asking for help.
PS – Just went for a run and did my best 5km time ever. Now I’m really confused!